With dwindling daylight hours, newsfeeds filled with violence, and any number of personal struggles that emerge from the chaotic holiday season, this month has been a rough one for many.
I have noticed in both my personal and professional life that the presence of emotional pain is a double-edged sword in friendships and relationships. Pain has the power to either promote greater connection with loved ones or to create greater division between them.
Some people thrive in the role of emotional caretaker; when their loved ones are suffering, they shine with their ability to comfort and support. Unfortunately, though, many people tend to flounder when confronted with negative emotions, and in doing so, they often inadvertently cause their loved ones even more pain.
Many of us were never taught how to effectively sit with someone else’s negative emotions. Perhaps our caregivers and mentors rarely sat with ours. Many of us grew up watching parents and teachers tell our upset peers to be quiet and stop crying. We were surrounded by toxic tropes like “real men don’t cry,” and “women need to suppress their emotions to be taken seriously.”
The stiff upper lip mentality is still alive and well, and many people simply don’t know how to cope when the stiff lip begins to quiver.
While everyone has different emotional needs and desires, and there is no one-size-fits-all way to comfort someone who is upset, I wanted to touch on a few tips to help you better support your loved ones (and yourself) in the face of difficult emotions.
Validation, validation, validation.
One of the best things that you can do for someone who is feeling upset is to communicate (verbally or nonverbally) that their emotions are valid. Sit with them in their pain. Let them feel seen and supported in their raw emotions.
That is essentially all we want when expressing our emotions—someone to show us that they see our struggle and that they understand.
Too often, I see people implicitly (and often accidentally) communicate that they don’t support their loved one’s emotions. Usually, it isn’t out of any malice. Many people are just repeating the behaviors that were modeled to them as children. But regardless of intention, the behavior can end up feeling quite hurtful, and I have seen this type of situation cause serious rifts in relationships.
Perhaps the most common version of this is when someone jumps too quickly to problem solving or trying to make someone feel better.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with trying to cheer someone up; after all, no one wants their loved ones to be upset. However, timing matters.
If we skip the validation and go straight to trying to “make it better,” we often inadvertently make it worse.
Sometimes this takes the form of looking for silver linings or forcing gratitude upon someone before they’re ready.
For instance, let’s say your friend comes to you feeling upset because they did not get the promotion at work that they wanted. Often, I see people respond along the lines of “Don’t worry about it. At least you still have a good job. You’ll probably get the promotion next time.”
The friend who responds this way likely has good intentions; they probably want to boost their friend’s confidence and cheer them up. However, if the initial response is silver-lining-finding, without leaving any room for your friend to express their true emotions (and without you showing that you understand why they might be feeling difficult emotions), the meta-communication is “You shouldn’t be upset about this. Let’s move on.”
Gratitude and meaning making can be excellent methods of helping someone feel better, but only after you have allowed them to adequately process and express their raw feelings about the situation.
If you immediately jump to trying to make someone feel better, you implicitly communicate 1) I don’t think your emotions about the situation are valid; 2) Your negative emotions make me uncomfortable; 3) I’m only here for you if you express a positive outlook.
So what can we do instead? Often, it’s as simple as explicitly acknowledging the pain. Before trying to cheer your loved one up, ask yourself if you have adequately validated them yet. You might think it’s obvious to your friend that you feel for them, but unless you say it out loud, they might walk away from the conversation thinking you don’t care.
Here are a few helpful phrases that can go a long way:
“That must have been really hard.”
“I completely understand why you would feel that way.”
“I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“This really sucks, and I want you to know I’m here for you.”
“I wish there was something I could say to make this better, but I know I can’t.”
We don’t have to spend all night languishing in our friend’s negative emotions—ruminating about negative events for prolonged periods of time is rarely helpful either. But we do need to communicate that we accept and support our loved ones while they’re having negative emotions and let them know that it is safe to express themselves in our presence. Then, once we’ve adequately validated, we can find a way to invite positive emotions back into the picture.
Importantly, we can apply all of these same principles to ourselves.
If you were frequently emotionally invalidated as a child, you likely emotionally invalidate yourself as an adult. Many people dismiss their own negative emotions or invalidate themselves before others even have a chance to validate them. You might not open up to others when you’re hurting, or you might dismiss other’s validation when you do open up (e.g. expressing that the painful situation “isn’t a big deal” when people try to give you support). One of the best ways to teach yourself to accept the validation of others is to learn how to first validate yourself.
If you find yourself experiencing negative emotions, try naming the emotion internally, saying something to yourself like “wow, I feel really angry right now.” Notice how the emotion is showing up for you. Can you connect the emotion to any physical body sensations? Can you breathe through the body sensations and feel any shifts in the emotion? Can you reassure yourself that it is safe to be with your emotion? Then, using one of the phrases above (or another phrase that would feel right to you) show yourself the same verbal validation you might give a friend. It’s a simple, fast, and powerful practice.
While validation is probably the most important skill for sitting with pain, and it certainly goes a long way, here are a few other tips to keep in mind:
1) Don’t compare pain.
Often when someone expresses that they are going through something difficult, we feel the inclination to demonstrate our empathy by sharing about a time that we went through something similar. A friend loses a loved one, so we open up about how painful it was for us to lose a loved one.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Sometimes it can be extremely helpful, fostering connection and helping your friend not feel so alone. However, if you are going to open up about your own pain in an attempt to help your friend, there are two important things to keep in mind:
First, make sure the focus of the conversation stays primarily on your friend. While you deserve to get support for your pain too, this might not be the right moment. If it feels like you’re taking over the conversation, your friend might walk away with the message that you think your pain is more important than theirs. Make sure the conversation feels balanced and that it doesn’t feel like you’re stealing the spotlight.
On that note, the second trap to avoid is a pattern of “one-upping” your loved one. Anything along the lines of “You thought your day was bad? Wait until you hear about my day!” is a no-go. You might have been through some seriously hard things in your life, but this is probably not the moment to share about them. Pain is not a competition.
As a rule of thumb, if it feels like you’re competing with your loved one for attention, airtime, validation, or support, rethink your strategy. If it feels like you and your friend are on the same team, working to carry the burden of your collective pain together, you’re probably on the right track.
Often when we feel the urge to one-up our loved ones or compare pain, it is because we have not felt adequately supported or validated in our own struggles. Rather than invalidating someone else, try seeking the support you need instead. Even if you are not feeling validated by others, you can always take a moment to validate yourself.
On the flip side, don’t dismiss your own pain by comparing your pain to someone else’s. You can always find examples of someone who has it worse than you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel your emotions too.
2) Ask how your loved one would like to be supported.
This might sound very basic, but we rarely think to do it. Since everyone deals with emotional pain differently, the most straightforward way to understand what kind of support your loved one needs is to just ask.
Some people don’t want to open up about their emotions, but they would really appreciate some quality time together to help get their mind off things. Some people need alone time while they’re processing negative emotions, but they would really appreciate a kind gesture to let them know you’re thinking of them. Others need to talk and process their feelings out loud with someone they trust. If you know someone well, you might be able to guess what would be most helpful to them. But if you don’t know, a simple “how can I best support you right now?” can go a long way.
One caveat to this is the fact that we don’t want to add to someone’s emotional burden. If someone already feels overwhelmed, they might not have the bandwidth to come up with ideas for how you can support them. To work around this, it might be helpful for you to pose a few options and let them pick one that sounds best to them.
As this applies to supporting yourself through difficult emotions, take the time to ask yourself what you most need, and give yourself permission to do it.
3) Follow up with a kind word or gesture.
I have often heard people say that the hardest period of grieving the death of a loved one is several weeks to a month after the loss. While everyone is different, many people find this time period to be the loneliest because the waves of support have typically slowed down, but the wound is still fresh. For the first couple of weeks, if you’re lucky, you might have received a plethora of calls and texts, flowers, baked goods. But after a while, it can seem like everyone else has moved on with their lives and forgotten.
The same pattern can be true for any kind of difficult emotional situation. You have a nice vent session expressing your emotions to a loved one, and then after a day or so, it’s never mentioned again. You might still be hurting, but your loved ones seem to have moved on.
I have observed that in these situations, a small follow-up can have a major impact.
It can be as simple as a text a few days later saying “I’m thinking about you and hoping you’re having a better day today.” It could be a gesture like bringing someone a meal or flowers. It could be an invitation to do something fun. Anything to let your loved one know that you’ve been thinking about them, and that they have your ongoing support.
Something that takes a few minutes of your time and energy could have the potential to significantly brighten someone’s entire week.
What are some of your favorite ways to support someone going through a hard time? What types of support do you find most helpful when you’re experiencing difficult emotions? Feel free to answer in the comments below. And if you know someone who might benefit from this article, feel free to share it to help us grow our community.