How to Create (an actually effective) Gratitude Practice

A therapist's practical tips for getting the most out of your gratitude.

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

Oh, gratitude. A perennial favorite topic, typically dragged out this time of year in honor of American Thanksgiving. Some love to talk about it, others may think it’s toxic positivity nonsense. While I have yet to meet someone who would argue that feeling gratitude is a bad thing, I have heard the argument that its role in the mental health and wellness world has been over-hyped. 

I struggled with whether or not I wanted to succumb to the (arguably clichéd) November gratitude theme. However, I will admit that I happen to love gratitude. In fact, I like gratitude so much that when I was an undergraduate psychology major, I chose to spend several months of my life writing a senior thesis on gratitude interventions. And I actually enjoyed it.

While I don’t believe that gratitude alone is a magic bullet cure for any major mental health concerns, I do think that it is a handy (and powerful) tool to keep in your wellness toolkit. 

However, like any tool, it is only helpful and effective if you know how to properly use it.

In my personal experience, my studies, and my work as a clinician, I have discovered a few common mistakes that can be the difference between a powerful gratitude intervention and a mediocre use of five minutes.

Today, I would like to share my top tips for getting the most out of your gratitude practice. 

But first, let’s talk about what it really means to “practice” gratitude.

Gratitude is an emotion, a mental state. While we cannot necessarily force ourselves to feel grateful when we don’t, we can engage in exercises (e.g. “gratitude interventions”) that are designed to induce those positive feelings associated with gratitude. Essentially, these practices “trick” our minds and bodies into a state of gratitude (and, ideally, flood us with a bundle of other positive emotions as well).

Common gratitude interventions include gratitude journaling, meditation practices focused on gratitude, and writing gratitude letters. Most of these practices take only a few minutes to complete, and nearly all of them can be done easily at home and with little to no cost. That’s one of my favorite things about gratitude practices— they can be done any time, anywhere, by anyone. No fancy equipment, subscription, or therapist intervention required.

However, I find that since gratitude is such an intuitive concept, few people have actually been instructed on how to get the most out of these practices. But don’t worry— I’ve got you covered.

Today I’m going to break down for you some common mistakes that I see in the world of gratitude interventions and give you my top tips for making your gratitude practice more effective.

Mistake 1: You Focus on the Same few Things Every Time you Practice. 

Look, I get it. I am grateful for my dog every single day too. However, if your gratitude practice is limited to listing the same four (or two or twenty) items every time you sit down to journal, you’re missing out on some major benefits. 

One of the keys to an effective gratitude practice is remembering small, specific moments in time and using those small details as a launchpad for your gratitude.

For maximum results, you’ll want to pick a specific memory that led to positive emotions when it was happening. By remembering how you felt in that moment, you can essentially “borrow” those positive emotions and bring them into the present. 

Broad, generic expressions of gratitude are less likely to pull up a specific memory. If you don’t draw from a specific memory, you are less likely to evoke specific positive emotions associated with the memory.

If I focus generally on my gratitude for my dog, I am likely to envision a generic picture of my dog’s face or an amalgamation of hundreds of memories with him. Doing so will certainly evoke some positive feelings, but thinking of something small and specific, like a particularly good cuddle session that I had with my dog yesterday, will typically evoke a much stronger emotional response than a generic expression of gratitude.

The more sensory details you can remember, the stronger the response will typically be. We want to engage as many parts of the brain as possible to create the biggest effect.

Our brains are quick to adapt and habituate. They like novelty, surprise. If you list the same several items every time you practice, your brain is likely to habituate (or get used to) the practice and stop giving as strong of a response. Essentially, it will catch on, get bored, and stop giving you the emotional boost. Focusing on specific recent memories can prevent those habituation effects. 

If you’re struggling to find things that you are grateful for, one technique you might try is to come up with your “gratitude foundations” – those people or things that you are consistently grateful for (e.g. friends, family, health, home, job, clean water, food, etc.) and use those to inspire your small specific memories. For instance, start with generic gratitude for your friends, and then pick a small, specific memory of something nice that happened with one of your friends recently. Pick a new, fresh memory each time you practice, and you’re set.

Mistake 2: You Mindlessly Rush Through the Practice.

I’ve been there. I’m in a rush, and I know that it would benefit me to do some gratitude journaling, so I begrudgingly pull out my notebook. I’m really just trying to get it over with so I can move on with my day, so I’m barely even paying attention as I write. I jot off a bullet point list of several things, and before I have a chance to reap any benefit, I’m off to the next task. Sound familiar?

While a gratitude exercise doesn't have to take more than five to ten minutes, it is important to fully engage with the practice while you’re doing it. Otherwise, if I’m being honest, it’s kind of a waste of time.

As I mentioned previously, some of the main benefits of gratitude interventions come from that luscious surge of positive emotions. If you aren’t letting yourself engage fully with a memory and all of the sensory details and emotions that come with it, you likely won’t get much benefit. 

In positive psychology, there is a concept known as savoring. The idea of psychological savoring is similar to the process of savoring a really delicious meal. Let’s say you’re at your favorite restaurant, and you’ve ordered your favorite dish. It’s the perfect temperature and spectacularly tasty. You might be tempted to shove as much in your mouth as possible, but you know that you will enjoy the meal much more if you take a moment to truly savor each bite. You let the food sit on your tongue and tickle your taste buds. You smile between bites, and you enjoy the process of eating because you know the meal will soon be over, and savoring prolongs the pleasure. 

Just as savoring our food prolongs the pleasure of a great meal, savoring positive emotions can prolong their beneficial effects. To get maximum benefit from your gratitude intervention, savor each moment of gratitude. Sit with the sensation, bask in it. Drink it in, swirl it around, and enjoy it while it lasts.

Emotions tend to build on each other. If we are in a bad mood, we often act in ways that keep the bad mood around. We start noticing other things to be mad or upset about. We snap at our loved ones and get into stupid arguments. We ruminate on past mistakes, mentally beating ourselves up, or we stew on past hurts from others until the bad mood spirals into a worse mood.

While most of us have experienced that downward spiral of negative emotions, it is equally possible to have an “upward spiral” of positive emotions. A moment of gratitude leads to a moment of joy, which leads to a moment of connection, which leads to a moment of fulfillment. Let your gratitude practice be a launchpad for your upward spiral. Even if you start the practice in a bad mood, let yourself really feel and savor the positive emotions, let those emotions build on themselves, and try to carry them with you into the rest of your day.

The more you intentionally practice gratitude, the more likely it is that you will have spontaneous moments of gratitude throughout your day. Notice it. Savor it. Enjoy it.

Mistake 3: You Practice too Often.

This one is a bit counterintuitive. With gratitude interventions, there is some research that suggests that we can have too much of a good thing.

If you feel like your gratitude practice is less effective than it used to be, it might actually be a sign that you need to scale back.

Remember that concept of habituation? If you practice gratitude interventions too frequently, your brain may habituate (or get used to) the effects and stop giving you as big of an emotional boost.

Our brains tend to give bigger reactions to unexpected situations or surprises. If you practice gratitude in the same way every day, your brain is unlikely to be surprised by the practice, and you may find that the effects decrease over time.

While this may not be the case for everyone, (and you might personally thrive with a daily gratitude practice) I invite you to track your response over time and see if it changes. If you notice that you are getting less out of your gratitude practice than you used to, you might want to experiment with decreasing the “dose.”

Additionally, if you practice your gratitude too frequently, it might start to feel like another chore or obligation, rather than a nice self-care ritual. I recommend aiming for a gratitude schedule that keeps the practice feeling fresh, meaningful, and intentional.

Some studies have suggested that an optimal “dose” for gratitude interventions might be every other day or even once per week. However, I am of the belief that one size rarely fits all, so I encourage you to find the rhythm that feels right to you.

If you are looking for a gratitude practice that lends itself well to a once-per-week schedule, I recommend checking out my article on the Gratitude Jar practice, which will be published on this platform tomorrow.

Mistake 4: You use Gratitude as Self-Invalidation.

This one breaks my heart a little, and I see it all the time. 

Someone is experiencing something emotionally difficult. They’re very upset, feeling pretty crummy about themselves, and as they start to open up about what they’re going through, they stop themselves and say something along the lines of “I shouldn’t complain. I know that so many people have it worse than I do, so I should just be grateful.”

I appreciate the sentiment—it is good to be grateful for what you have, even in bad times. Sometimes it can be quite helpful to shift your perspective and remember that there are always other people worse off than you are.

However, in the statement above, the person probably wasn’t actually engaging in the emotion of gratitude. They were just using the language of gratitude to silence their actual emotions. 

In other words, they used the appearance of gratitude to engage in self-invalidation.

For those who aren’t clear on the definition of invalidation, it is the act of communicating that someone’s emotions, beliefs, thoughts, or needs aren’t important, reasonable, desired, or valid. This can happen verbally or nonverbally, intentionally or unintentionally, obviously or subtly. 

For instance, maybe you are telling your partner about a rough day at work, and it is obvious that they aren’t listening very well. They seem distracted, and it’s clear from their body language that they aren’t paying much attention. Your partner might not outright say “I don’t want to hear about your bad day, and your emotions aren’t important” but that might be the message you walk away with.

If this happens frequently enough, you might internalize the message that your partner doesn’t want to hear about your day, and you might start invalidating yourself before your partner has a chance to do so. For instance, you might have the urge to share how you’re feeling, but you stop yourself, thinking something like “It’s not that bad, I really shouldn’t be so upset. I don’t need to bother anyone with my negativity.”

That is self-invalidation. You have a valid emotion and a valid desire for connection and comfort. Instead of recognizing that, you squash it, telling yourself you “shouldn’t” feel that way.

When we’re feeling upset, gratitude can be used as a healing balm, or it can be wielded as a weapon of invalidation. The difference is subtle, and it hinges on the difference between both/and versus either/or thinking.

It is possible to validate your painful emotions and use gratitude to help yourself feel better.

For instance, you might sit down to do a gratitude journaling practice and realize that you really don’t want to do it because you’re feeling upset about something. Rather than saying “too bad, I have to do it anyway,” perhaps you could take a moment to validate your difficult emotions first. You might say to yourself “I’ve had a rough day, and I’m feeling pretty upset. It’s understandable and ok to feel that way. AND I know that gratitude will help me feel better.” Maybe you even take a couple of minutes to journal about the painful emotions, giving them voice and letting yourself process them. Then, once it feels like you’ve given yourself what you need, you can choose to invite gratitude in. You might say something like “even though today has been hard, I know that I also have plenty of good in my life, and I’m going to choose to focus on gratitude for the moment.”

Life can be painful AND life can be full of meaning and joy. Healing occurs when we can hold both truths at the same time.

It is not the goal of gratitude interventions to make you feel like you shouldn’t have negative emotions. The goal is to help you realize that when you’re having negative emotions, you don’t have to get stuck there.

Authentic gratitude is a ladder that allows you to climb out of the pit of painful emotions. But in order to climb the ladder, you must acknowledge when you’re in the pit.

With that in mind, I invite you to be on the lookout for invalidation masquerading as gratitude. If you catch yourself using gratitude language to squash or suppress your true feelings, notice that. Ask yourself why your true emotions feel threatening in that moment, validate the way you are feeling, and perhaps use genuine gratitude as a chaser to help you find your way back to equilibrium.

Summary:

If you feel like you’re not getting the most out of your gratitude practice, I invite you to try out the following tips:

1. Focus on small, specific details. Engage with specific memories of a recent moment in time.

2. Give your full attention to your practice and spend time savoring the positive emotions that arise.

3. Practice in moderation. Make sure the exercise continues to feel fresh and worthwhile for you. If the benefits have decreased over time, scale back.

4. Acknowledge and validate painful emotions if they come up. Use gratitude as a healing balm and a way to increase positive emotions, not as a form of self-invalidation.

That’s it for today! If you have any favorite gratitude practices, feel free to describe them in the comments, so we can all learn from each other. And if you know someone who might enjoy this article (or this Substack), please share this article with them and invite them to join the community.

Since my launch week corresponds with Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I will be posting a gratitude-themed practice or article every day between now and Thanksgiving, so stay tuned for more.

References:

Davis, D.E., Choe, E., Meyers, J., Wade, N., Varjas, K., Gifford, A., Quinn, A., Hook, J.N., Van Tongeren, D.R. & Worthington Jr, E.L. (2016). Thankful for the little things: A meta-analysis of gratitude interventions. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 63(1), 20.

Dickens, L. R. (2017). Using gratitude to promote positive change: A series of meta-analyses investigating the effectiveness of gratitude interventions. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 39(4), 193-208.

Rash, J.A., Matsuba, M.K. & Prkachin, K.M. (2011). Gratitude and well‐being: Who benefits the most from a gratitude intervention?. Applied Psychology: Health and Well‐Being, 3(3), 350-369.

Sheldon, K. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2006). How to increase and sustain positive emotion: The effects of expressing gratitude and visualizing best possible selves. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 1(2), 73-82.